The Wardrobe’s Best Dressed: Spoil by Alyse Bensel

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Lies to Tell the Body

I became the opposite of orgasm,
               breathing with the cyst
nestled in my left ovary, where the pelvic
               bone juts up to meet
skin and socket. I tongued demands,
               a steel countertop parallel
to my spine, while doctors insisted I could
              conduct animal electricity.
A spark would jolt my limbs
              to swagger off
the table, proof of something alive
               inside my muscle.
Could I keep the yolk whole, a tiny
              fluid-filled sac that if  it bursts,
it bursts? It would have been a relief
               to lose a little more. You could stand to lose
more, he told me. Weighing pears, he estimated
               how much I would need, suggesting
serving sizes, his perfect portions.
               My uneaten bite,
my refusal to measure. I left one
               curled arugula leaf or crusts
from toast. The year of almost. The year
               of maybe. Men moved
their unsteady chins up and down.
               They told me, if  only,
my body a tragedy. If I burst,
               I burst, no more hurt than
the sharp pinch from a man bumbling
               across my feet. I watched
my tropical fish die from fin rot. The tetras
              went first. My blue
gourami the last, half floating, half swimming
               on the water’s scummy edge.
Two red drops and two yellow drops to stop
               the infection. It still
spread. I was never at home. I combed every aisle
               of the grocery store, my nails
digging in for miracles. I harvested
               tomatoes, chard, green beans.
I was not a morning person.
               I was not a night
person. I was a midday creature that slept
               opposite of any man.
I stayed awake longer. After that year, I grew
               all muscle and sinew:
my husband looked at me like a panther. He cut
               my haunches on his teeth,
pressing the mechanism inside my pelvic floor—
               reincarnate, reincarnate.

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