As you can imagine, being an editor I am also a complete sadist. Nothing gets me going more than rejecting an innocent (“innocent”) young writer’s chapbook manuscript. In truth, it annoys me that social niceties dictate that I must say things like “I wish you the best of luck in placing your manuscript elsewhere” because when I’m lying in bed at night it’s the thought of poet tears upon multiple rejections that soothes me to sleep.
And poets, I know you’re all just masochists. I mean, come on, you talk about submitting all damn day, and no matter how mean editors are to you, no matter how low your acceptance rate, you claw your way towards acceptance. And you pay editors money to keep on telling you no.
So let’s cut the crap. Why dance around what we all know? You poets want to be abused, and lord knows I want to smack you around, so allow me to introduce the very first Editor Domme for hire!
If you hire Editor Domme, there are certain things you must know:
- There is a fee that is in no way nominal. (Hey, if presses can charge $35.00 so can Editor Domme!)
- I will not be publishing ANY of your manuscripts. That’s not what this is about, poet-worms.
So you pay your fee, send me your manuscript (over Submittable so you can also feel the sting of what you KNOW is a completely form rejection I took zero time crafting because I care) I will pretend to read said manuscript (I mean, what editor actually reads manuscripts these days anyway, amirite?), and then I will respond (probably after about 6 months have passed to give you the illusion that I might have read your poetry and I might approve of it) with an email detailing exactly why you are the worst poet who ever tried to be a poet.
Of course, there are rules to these things.
- You will refer to me as Mistress Editor at all times. Editors – and in particular Editor Dommes – must be shown deference. You of course understand that as poets you are beneath us at all times. This really should go without saying.
- I will refer to you only as “poet” unless I am calling you “non-poet” or “poet-worm” but those second two cost extra.
- No simultaneous submissions. I am a jealous Editor Domme. Also, I own your terrible, stupid poetry.
- For an additional fee, I will post on social media about how awful your work is and I will tell all of my followers how you cried when I burned the pages of your manuscript one at a time in front of you.
- The safe word is “MFA” but only little bitch poets use it.
- 12 point font, Times New Roman, standard margins. You sub-human.
So submit to Editor Domme! You know this is what you’ve been into all along anyway.
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Margaret Bashaar’s poetry has been previously collected into two chapbooks, Letters from Room 27 of the Grand Midway Hotel (Blood Pudding Press) and Barefoot and Listening (Tilt Press), as well as in many literary journals and anthologies including Rhino, Caketrain, New South, Copper Nickel, and Time You Let Me In. She lives in Pittsburgh where she edits the chapbook press Hyacinth Girl Press and is a staff writer for Luna Luna Magazine. Her debut collection, Stationed at the Gateway, will be published by Sundress in 2015.